Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
