I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
