Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
