Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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