I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
