I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
