The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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