Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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