her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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