just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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