My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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