Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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