Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
