You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
