Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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