i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
handjob tips. give me some.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
