I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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