I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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