I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
