my vag is so smooth its legendary
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
