stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
