I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
