Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Too much gin, very little bucket
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
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