I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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