I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
