you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
