i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
