My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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