dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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