ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
