Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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