I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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