my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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