Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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