I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I need moral support for this bender
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
