he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Everyone says I win the strip club
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
