Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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