My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
