I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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