lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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