new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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