Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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