Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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