I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
