god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
