Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
