He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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