I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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