True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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