I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
