I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
