I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
