i wish starbucks made bloody marys
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
