im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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