before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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